


Contagious

by DarkDumb



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Investigation, M/M, how do you do tags, so watch out for that, some of that, younger Gavin and Hank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 21:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkDumb/pseuds/DarkDumb
Summary: Freshly promoted Gavin stands at Hank's door, contemplating his feelings to the emotionally devastated lieutenant. Going over their turbulent shared history, he gets ready to start the inevitable confrontation that will decide the way their relationship will go for years to come.





	Contagious

**Author's Note:**

> My creative writing teacher says that trying to explain what you wrote is useless just like a book's author also isn't sitting behind you while you're reding their book, whispering in your ear. So I'll let *gestures vaguely* whatever this thing I wrote is speak for itself.  
> Have fun!

A uniformed man shuffled his feet on the edge of a deteriorating sidewalk. When the self-driving taxi drove away he turned to the house whose resident was the reason of his visit.

The sun has set hours ago and the night sky was pitch black. Tall lamps lining the street gave out grim light, the only source of life in this seemingly abandoned neighbourhood. Aging houses stood left and right in a regular pattern with unkempt lawns inbetween.

The man kept his body as straight as the street lamp he was standing under. He let out a shaky breath and hesitantly walked to the front door.

He ran his hand through his short brown hair just as the house’s automatic light acknowledged his presence. Stopping himself on the low porch, the bare lightbulb revealed the dark blue of his clothes with a shining silver badge and bright yellow letters spelling ‘G. Reed’ on his chest. The officer’s young, clean shaven and scarless face was strained with a conflicted expression. Cold wind nipped at his face, turning his cheeks and nose redder than usual. A small fresh cut on his lower lip gleamed in the sharp light. He blinked and lifted his right arm to reach the bell button. The finger of his bandaged hand froze millimeters away when his green eyes noticed the label.

“The Andersons”

He curled his fingers and the hand dropped back to his side. Tiredly lowering his head, his mind brought up an image of the man he came here to see. An uneasy feeling rose in his stomach when his imagination didn’t call for the grumpy bearded man acting as the bane of the officer’s existence. Instead, he saw a tall burly man, light hair swept back, a smile that always made the younger policeman feel like he could take on the whole world.

Lieutenant Hank Anderson.

A hero.

Reed’s lips curled in a melancholic smile, mind tangled in thoughts of the past.

_His_ hero.

Ever since Gavin Reed first laid eyes on this man it was how he saw him no matter how hard he resented this clichéd label. He had heard stories, yes, he had read reports too; the lieutenant was practically a legend. But none of that prepared Gavin for what happened when he finally met him in person.

He would never admit that he developed feelings for Hank.

 

#### Part one

#### Torture

His reassignment to that particular precinct was what turned Gavin’s passive curiosity into something more. He knew the lieutenant was there but he didn’t make much of it, didn’t reckon it would influence his life in any way. Ultimately he found himself stealing glances at him whenever he was around.

Gavin stood at one of the break room tables chewing on a homemade sandwich. He was tight on money at that time so he made his own low budget lunches which looked every bit as cheap as they really were.

The lieutenant walked in to make a cup of coffee. As he waited for the machine to fill his mug, he turned around just quick enough to catch the officer staring at him. He smiled amusedly when he saw the young man freeze mid-bite as their eyes met. Gavin quickly swallowed the piece of his pathetic sandwich and blurted out a polite: “Hello, lieutenant.”

He consciously straightened his back when the handsome man approached him.

“I‘ve seen you around but we haven’t really met, have we?” he held out his hand. “Lieutenant Hank Anderson.”

Gavin wiped his own hand clean on his trousers and shook it.

“But I suppose you already know that.”

“Y-yeah.”

Anderson didn’t let go of Gavin’s hand. The younger man was still silent. The lieutenant lifted his eyebrows. Gavin smiled dumbly.

“And you?” Anderson chuckled.

“Oh, of course,” Gavin laughed back sheepishly. “Officer Reed.”

“I can see that,” the lieutenant nodded in the direction of Reed’s chest.

“Gavin,” he added, eyes still fixed firmly on Hank’s.

Anderson finally let go of Gavin’s hand. The coffee machine behind him beeped.

“That’s my cue. I’ll see you around, officer Reed,” winking, he turned around to grab his mug and swiftly walked away, leaving the young man with no time to recover and say anything in return.

Gavin spent the remainder of his break staring at his lunch, trying to figure out what magic did the lieutenant use to sweep him off his feet so effortlessly. When he found no answer, he put on his signature frown and got back to work.

–

From then on, whenever Gavin bumped into him, Anderson would greet him with a friendly “Officer Reed,” and Gavin would respond with a giddier than intended “Lieutenant.” It never failed to lift his spirits as he always found it very flattering when somebody took the time to remeber the names of his colleagues. A smile would linger on his lips for a whole minute, lighting up his otherwise grumpy face. The pressure of this job weighed on him cosiderably and these interactions were the only moments when he would sincerely smile.

Time went by and Gavin sometimes found himself working at the same crime scenes as the lieutenant. He was assigned minor tasks such as keeping out the public or handling witnesses but he was happy to be near him. To watch him in action. Because for him it was always a sight to see. The second Anderson arrived it seemed like he had already been there a million times. Knew exactly where to go, what to look at, who to ask. He was a natural.

Becoming a policeman was a commitment. That fact bore down on Gavin all the more as he wasn’t etirely sure of this life decision. But when he looked at Anderson he felt that anything was possible. It quieted his concerns about wasting his life. He could be as good as him. And he would try his hardest to do so.

Eventually, Gavin was doing very well at his job, recieving commendations left and right. He worked with a fervor that earned him sideward glances from his colleagues. There was only one person he could thank for his newly found passion.

He was eager to prove himself even further, pushing on a promotion. The detective rank was just around the corner. He could feel it. And that was when he messed up.

It was supposed to be a routine check up but a lot of people got hurt, including his partner. Gavin could have prevented it. If only he had been able to take the shot. But he hadn’t.

Neat rows of empty chairs surrounded his stooped figure. The empty briefing room was the only place he could find to escape the neverending rush of the station. He didn’t notice the lieutenant come in until he saw a pair of shoes standing in front of him. Gavin jolted up, prepared to bark out an instinctive greeting but Anderson disarmed him by placing a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Sit down,” he smiled compassionately.

The younger man obeyed. Anderson slid into a chair right next to him. They sat in silence for minutes until the lieutenant felt that the officer relaxed enough.

“She’s going to be okay.”

“I know,” Gavin’s voice was pained. During these last few days he didn’t let himself sound like that, not in front of anyone. But now he somehow felt that he finally could.

“And that’s what matters,” Anderson leaned closer.

Gavin wanted to give way to all his emotions, everything he had been holding back. Why did it feel so right? Why now, with him listening?

“I screwed up. It was my fault she got hurt. Because I couldn’t--”

“Hey.”

“I should have just--”

“Gavin.”

He froze at the tender sound of his first name.

“Firing a gun at a human being takes a lot out of a person,” Hank paused, “it takes too much. And no matter the consequences, you should never blame yourself for not doing it.”

Gavin’s eyes filled with tears.

“There’s no shame in it.”

He wanted to respond but no words came to him.

“I want you to remember that.”

He let hot tears roll down his cheeks. Anderson draped an arm around his shoulders. Gavin burst into gross sobbing, his head falling against Hank’s chest.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid.”

Hank gently placed a hand at the back of Gavin’s head.

“It’s fine,” he breathed into his hair like he was comforting his own child. “Everything’s fine.”

Gavin cried until he ran out of tears, breathing heavily against Hank’s warm embrace. He retreated back into his chair, ashamed but visibly relieved.

“I’m sorry, lieutenant,” he sniffed, “I, uh, I didn’t...”

“Are you feeling better?” smiling again. Always.

“Y-yeah,” Gavin caught sight of Hank’s cried on clothes. “Oh, Jesus.”

“Don’t mind that,” he let out a hearty laugh. “Just get back on your feet. The station would miss you.”

With a final squeeze to Gavin’s shoulder he got up and walked out into the bullpen. The officer stayed there, watching the other man through the glass walls until it was time for him to get back to work.

The next day, Gavin arrived early so he could get a chance at catching Detroit’s busiest lieutenant alone. He saw him sitting at his desk and filling out paperwork, obviously bored out of his mind. The time was perfect.

He approached him nervously. The lieutenant immediately noticed, relief visibly flooding his body when he noticed the coffee in Gavin’s hand.

“Please, say that’s for me,” he pointed his finger.

“Yes, lieutenant,” the younger man handed over the paper cup. “Strong, no sugar, just as you like it.”

Hank curiously lifted his eyebrows.

“I asked around,” Gavin blurted out, embarrassed. He paused as Hank took a sip, gathering his thoughts. “I wanted to thank you,” he lowered his voice, “for yesterday.” Gavin drummed his fingers on his thigh insecurely.

Hank swallowed the bitter liquid, eyes sparkling with gratefulness.

“Of course.”

Gavin surrendered to a satisfying feeling burning in his stomach at the sight of Hank’s smile. He nodded and took off, secretly hoping to be able to indulge in this sensation again soon.

–

He was glad that he was now able to let go, at least a little, of his oppressive thoughts about the shooting. Instead, his mind became occupied by one person only. And whatever Gavin did he wasn’t able to get him out of his head. He was distracted during work. He spent his luch breaks thinking about him. He wasn’t left alone even when he was at home. He would think about his smile when he cooked dinner and he would make the food something extra. Doing chores he would make sure he cleaned the whole flat spotless while remembering his contagiously positive attitude. And every time he would be rewarded with that very feeling.

Gavin would sometimes lay sprawled on his bed, thinking. Just thinking. He admired Hank. More than anyone alse he had ever looked up to. But was it supposed to be this personal? Was it supposed to feel _this good_? Subtle fear chilled his spine at the suspicion of a reality even his mind didn’t dare to acknowledge. No. He admired Hank. He _admired_ him.

Frustration was the last thing Gavin expected. He didn’t understand where it came from or why it didn’t seem to go away. It annoyed him to his bones. His teasing banter suddenly possessed meaning. His nervous quirks became more prominent. His frowns deepend with sincerety. It dragged on for more than a week. He tried to fight it to no avail. The only thing he knew was that it was rooted somewhere deep in some undiscovered corner of his mind that he didn’t know how to reach. Eventually, it tired him enough to influence his work performance. It was harder and harder to concentrate on his job. Why was he so jumpy? There was no change in his life lately so what was the cause? Or who?

He would lay in his bed, trying to fall asleep and letting his mind wander aimlessly as he always did. And his thoughts would fix on Anderson as they always did. But the frustration wouldn’t let go of him even then. He would try tro dissolve this agonizing feeling by thinking happily about his idol but it would still rub his mind the wrong way.He was losing sleep over this vicious circle and every day he chugged coffee like water in hopes of gaining some strength.

Standingin the break roomhe scratched his face idly and waited impatiently for the stupid appliance to fill his cup for the fourth time that day.

“Oh, Reed. Good afternoon.”

He turned his head and saw trouble.

“Lieutenant,” Gavin’s gazeavoided him, trailing back to the pouring coffee.

Hank stood there eyeing him curiously as he was assessing what the problem was. He took a step forward. Another one. Slow. Hands in pockets. A sly smile on his lips.

The younger mancouldn’t hold himself anymore and turned his head. The lieutenant towered next to him, closer than there was any need to be. Gavin exhaled sharply, politeness be damned, “What?”

“You look tired.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” the officer scoffed.

“Anything troubling you?”

Gavin paused, thoughtful. Not like he could tell him, even if he knew.

Hank grew concerned. “Everything okay, kid?”

Oh, how he cared. How genuinely kind he was. The perfect man, a fucking angel, invading Gavin’s thoughts every hour of every day. Being there at the corner of his mind at all times. A beacon of hope always out of reach. Comforting but unattainable. Soothing but futile. Wanted. _Needed_.

The last word repeated over and over, drilling into Gavin’s brain. Hurting him.

“Gavin?” a hand touched his arm.

He jerked to the side, realizing his face was twisted with emotion.He looked up into a pair of dark blue eyes. He gulped dryly.

“Fuck.”

An unintended chuckle escaped the other man’s lips.

Gavin was dead set on running away but Hank stopped him.

“Do you need to talk?”

“I don’t _need_ shit!”

Hank only tightened his grip on Gavin’s arm. The younger man stood there, breathing heavily. Twitchy. Angry. Mad at himself. For wanting to stay. For wanting to talk.

“Leave me alone.”

“Just tell me. I can help,” Hank pleaded. His hand relaxed, his thumb giving Gavin’s arm a single caress. That was enough to make Gavin want to throw himself in his arms. Again.

It made him furious.

“Fuck off,” he whispered.

Anderson retreated. If Gavin didn’t know any better, he would swear he saw a glint of hurt in his eyes. The lieutenant stepped backwards. His confident stance made it obvious.

“Well, whatever it is, I hope it makes you grow up,” he spoke in a low voice.

The tiny, possibly unwanted, hint of animosity fueled Gavin’s fiery anger like gasoline. That was good.

“Don’t bother.”

“Being a coward doesn’t suit you, Reed. Face it, whatever it is. For your own sake,” with these words he turned away.

Face it? How? By confronting his feelings? He sure as hell couldn’t _accept_ them. They made him want to act. And he couldn’t. It was a no-good screwed up situation he was in and the additional fact that he was alone in it was eating him alive. He didn’t know what to do and he desperately wanted for someone else to tell him. But he had no one. The only person who helped him through anything lately was Anderson. And if that wasn’t the last fucking person he--

_Beep._

Gavin hurled the hot cup of glorified caffeine at a far wall. It splattered loudly. The station grew quiet. In a second, people turned back to their work, shaking their heads.

“Officer,” a deep voice growled, getting closer.

A fuming face of captain Fowler came into view. He was close enough to witness the action first-hand. Gavin’s self-preservation instinct kicked in and he quickly stood to attention.

“Why are you making this _goddamned_ mess in my station?” the tone of his voice was enough to make the devil himself run away in fear.

Gavin assumed it was a rhetorical question but the captain kept silent.

“I’m sorry, captain,” he finally said, eyes pinned staight ahead.

“You better be. I don’t want to see you again today. Do whatever you need to get your head on straight and get back here tomorrow at 0500 sharp,” he leaned to the officer’s ear. “Be a minute late and your sorry ass will be running traffic for a month.”

Eyes fixed on the floor, Gavin hastily left the station.

Barely managing to close the door to his flat, he fell face down on the sofa. He screamed his lungs out into the cushions, banging his fist into soft fabric. He shouted until his vocal cords hurt, voice breaking into shrieks. Burning out all his energy, he curled himself on the couch like a hurt animal. Green eyes trailed the cold and tidy apartment. Why did it look like one of those show flats people went to see while choosing a new home? He saw no traces of any human living here. It was lonely. Sad. All he ever had was his job. And now he was letting himself ruin it.

Because of what? He still wouldn’t grasp it. He didn’t want to define it, give it a name. And that meant not being able to control it. He lay there, helpless, letting his thoughts and emotions wander freely, showing him wishes he was too weak to fight against like he did the hundreds of times before.

He wanted to be held close. To feel his arms fall around him. He wanted to press himself against his body and feel the warmth of his kisses in his hair. To bury himself in his chest and mutter unintelligible words of affection. To feel safe and happy. With him.

Gavin banged his head on the pillow. Why were these gentle feelings so impossibly painful? He wanted it. He wanted it all so bad. But he would _never_ have it. That was a fact. Hank had his own family and there was no place for Gavin in his life. What made it so difficult to accept the hard truth and move on?

His feelings were genuine and he was scared to let go. Scared to be rid of these warm and lively emotions. To become lifeless again, just like the place he lived in.

But he had to.

Terrified of what might happen to him at the sight of Anderson tomorrow he cried himself to a dreamless sleep.

The lieutenant didn’t come to work for a month.

 

#### Part two

#### Fallout

“What?” the feeling that hit him was indescribable.

“His son… he died.”

Gavin tried to process the information. It was unreal. He felt his chest close tight around his heart.

His partner looked grimly to the side. “A car crash. Fuck,” she sighed.

He wasn’t able to say a single word.

“I mean, how do you come back from that?” she continued.

Gavin leaned against the side of the patrol car. The afternoon sun warmed his uniform but his body grew cold.

“Stuff like that breaks people.”

He fought back tears, hoping his partner wouldn’t notice. She threw a cigarette butt on the ground, twisting her shoe to put out the spark.

“Let’s just go,” she fell into the car after a moment of silence and closed the door behind her. Trying to compose himself, Gavin followed suit.

–

Time seemed to have slowed down to almost a halt as Gavin worried himself with thinking about Hank more often than he should have. It was scary to picture what his life must have been like now but the thoughts kept intruding into Gavin’s mind. He feared seeing him again. To feel his pain the way he used to feel his happiness.

What happened when that day finally came was worse than anything Gavin tried not to imagine.

It wasn’t Hank Anderson who entered the station but a lifeless husk. Stubble framed his usually clean shaven cheeks. Silver hair messily combed back had loose strands falling over his forehead. Old clothes hung on his bent shoulders. The unkempt appearance only underlined what lay beneath. A walking corpse devoid of any joy of life. Gavin didn’t dare cross his path in fear of unintentionally destroying whatever will to live was left in him.

In a few days the lieutenant fell back into his work routine. Gavin eased when he saw him get distracted by handling witnesses, watching interrogations and filing reports. But there was something missing. Something important.

Wanting to help, Gavin pondered the many unsuitable ways he could express his sympathies. He struggled to find an approach to show support that would feel sincere. Nothing seemed to be an appropriate idea and he lingered so long that the relevant time has passed and he was left with nothing but lonely regret.

It didn’t come as a surprise to anyone at the station when Hank started to gradually demolish his career. Coming to work on time was not an option. Arguments were incited left and right. Nobody thought it even possible for Fowler to yell more often than usual. Gavin felt like the only one who was still hopeful.

Leaning on the desk that bore Anderson’s name, he waited for his late arrival. At noon, he finally showed up. Hank’s lazy pace came to almost a halt when he saw a uniform standing where no one bothered to stand lately.

“Reed,” he hesitantly walked by and fell into a swivel chair with a sigh. It wasn’t clear whether he didn’t expect an answer or didn’t care about one.

Gavin shuffled his feet nervously, failing to recall the words he had prepared. He gave up and decided to go straight to the point.

“Lieutenant, I’ll be acting as your partner for the duration of your next case.”

Hank turned with the chair slowly, eyeing Reed up and down like he stole his favourite flavor donut.

“ _You?_ ” coming from Hank in particular, the tone very efficiently hurt Gavin’s self-confidence.

The still-only-an-officer would defend himself but Anderson’s natural authority, dwindling or not, was overwhelming enough to make him submit. Moreover, Gavin never stopped to hold the man dear.

Disappointed with not recieving a retort, Hank turned back to his terminal with a grunt. He quickly glanced over the report that had landed in his inbox that morning. Jumping to his feet he motioned for Reed to follow. Halfway on their way through the station he stopped.

“Would you please ditch this ridiculous thing?” he gestured to Gavin’s uniform.

“I’m not sure I should--”

Hank rolled his eyes. “If anything happens, I’ll take the blame.”

The younger man hesitated.

“People get spooked by uniforms,” the lieutenant said more kindly, “how are you supposed to talk to them when they fear you pulling out a gun?”

Gavin left for the changing rooms without another word.

–

The car ride was long and quiet. Rather than worrying about Hank’s driving skills, Gavin looked out of the window at passing buildings. He had dreamed of getting to know his new partner better. But now that he got the chance, it didn’t feel quite the same. His emotions grew conflicted since then. Instead of burning with innocent desire he was enveloped in something more disheartening but equally as torturous. Was it pity? Gavin used to hate his sickly sweet feelings but now he wished for the old days to come back.

After arriving at the crime scene Hank didn’t wait a second for Gavin to get his bearings. The officer was stuck running after the lieutenant like a dog, glancing over evindence on the go while trying to listen to Anderson’s interviews with other policemen.

The case seemed fairly simple. An apartment turned upside down with missing valuables and one dead female body. Hank didn’t bat an eye when he noticed Gavin being visibly distressed by the sight of the corpse. There used to be a time when he would take him to the side and offer a blanket of reassuring words, topping it off with an encouraging pat on the shoulder. He just didn’t care anymore. The younger man knew that better than anyone. Hank could see it in his eyes when their gazes met before he turned away to review more evidence.

The conclusion of their half a day’s work that Hank came to, with Gavin’s silent agreement, was a burglary gone wrong. The victim had a husband who was out of town on a business trip and she was supposed to stay at her sister’s but decided to go home and take care of their cat. Somebody planned to break into the flat while it was empty and didn’t count on the owner to come back sooner. Wrong place, wrong time.

There wasn’t much to go on concerning identifying the culprit so they had to wait for the city to provide them with a CCTV camera footage. That meant they were left to idle at the station for a day or two. Anderson busied himself with neverending paperwork but Gavin seemed to be always sitting on the spare chair in front of Hank’s desk with nothing to do. Even as they spent all that time not really talking, Gavin grew more comfortable in Hank’s presence. Anderson kept stubbornly playing the role of an impenetrable fortress and Gavin assumed he could stop tiptoeing around him and relaxed.

He politely brought the lieutenant a cup of fresh coffee. Just as he liked it. Gavin took a moment to study the older man as he sipped the hot liquid. For a second he forgot about everything Hank was going through. There was only the two of them, Hank with a distantly satisfied expression on his tired face. A result of Gavin’s action. He wanted to do so much more. To lift his spirits enough to see him smile again.

“Hey, it’s the CCTV footage,” Hank tore Gavin out of his reverie. The younger man jolted and hunched next to him.

“Fucking finally,” he groaned.

Going over the recording took some time and eventually the duo was sitting shoulder to shoulder at the terminal, peering eagerly at the screen and scanning over people going in and out of the apartment building they had been to recently.

“The coroner specified the time of death but I don’t see anything,” Gavin complained.

“Just hold on,” the man at his side breathed, “it’s always like this.”

Gavin leaned back into his chair with a frustrated sigh but something on the video caught his eye. A man tore out of the building’s double door. He paced left and right, looking around viciously in the dark. Seconds after, he ran away like crazy.

“Well, that was suspicious,” Hank remarked ironically.

Gavin snickered and elbowed his way to the keyboard.

“Yeah, suit yourself, beat cop,” the lieutenant said as he was pushed away.

“Knock that off, please?” Reed looked over his shoulder hesitantly.

Anderson burst into laughter. “ _Please?_ Is that how you tell people to go to hell?”

The young man turned away to hide his red face.

“You used to be better at it,” Hank mused quietly.

That one afternoon wasn’t something Gavin was proud of. His finger hovered over the rewind button. “I’m sorry about that,” he whispered.

The older man exhaled heavily at the sound of a word he got fed up with after the last two months. He slapped Reed’s hand away from the computer and pressed the button himself with an irritated frown. Gavin hung back, hurt. Baring himself and being so harshly overlooked induced a tingle of something he didn’t quite expect.

The video rolled back slowly. Anderson played it back and forth, switched to single frames and adjusted it until he reached a satisfactory picture.

“Well, isn’t that convenient?” the suspect was looking straight into the camera. Hank looked back at the officer with a sarcastic smile. “Our partnershipwill be over in no time.”

Furiously pushing himself out of the chair, Gavin charged through the office, kneading through desks and people until he reached the restrooms. When the door clicked closed he hurled his palm against the paper towel dispenser. Again and again. Finally, pain stopped him.

“Fuck,” he inspected his reddened hand.

He screwed up alright. But not just him.

_Anderson._

Why was everything always so fucking difficult with that man? Why was he making it harder than it already was?

Gavin had only the best intentions yet he was being pushed away like a bothersome fly. Maybe he was growing tired of playing the good boy. What did it ever bring him anyway? His coworkers looked at him like he was some kind of anomaly, soon to be eradicated. Like a sheep just waiting to be eaten by the big bad wolf named reality. And maybe that was exactly it.

Devoured by futility. Crumbling under the nonsense of human emotions. Soon to be completely broken. Dead.

He wanted to fight it.

–

The suspect was caught as fast as he was identified.

The video had better quality than anyone expected and an algorithm compared his face to a database of citizens. As lieutenant Anderson remarked: “God bless modern technology, huh?” The rest was a matter of some basic sniffing around and the culprit was found hiding at his girlfriend’s place.

Hank passed the honors of interrogating the perpetrator onto Gavin. His time spent in the interrogation room was short. The lanky guy sitting across from him spat out his confession as soon as Gavin settled in his chair. Exactly as they thought. A burglary gone wrong. The criminal knew from talking with the neighbours that the place was supposed to be empty. Reed couldn’t believe it was this easy.

When the confused officer stepped back into the adjoining observation room Anderson greeted him with a yawn.

“Well, that’s that,” he got up from his seat at the one-sided mirror. “You two take care of him,” his hand lazily pointed at the two junior officers standing in the room with them. “Great, let’s get rid of the paperwork,” he clapped his hands on his thighs and brushed past Gavin.

Reed stood in the doorway dumbly. He rushed to the corridor and turned the leaving lieutenant around by grabbing his sleeve. The man looked at him like he offended his mother.

“There’s more to it than he said,” Gavin barked.

Hank’s shoulders dropped with a tired sigh. “I don’t think so.”

“He was terrified. But not because of us, not because of the murder,” Reed pressed.

“You’re overthinking it. Most cases go like this, it’s simple. Not everything is a conspiracy, this isn’t a cheap crime novel,” he threw up his hands.

“I’m telling you, this stinks. We should consider more possibilitie--”

“Goddamnit, Reed, is there anything else you can do besides make my life difficult?” Anderson lashed out, voice dripping with frustration.

Gavin jerked back in exasperation. How was he not seeing this? What happened to the unmatched lieutenant Hank Anderson? Whatever shithole he had dug himself in, Gavin was determined to get him out. He wouldn’t back out.

“I’m doing my job,” he stood his ground.

“Well, you suck at it.”

That feeling. Tugging at his muscles.

“Not playing that game again. This is on you. We can do good. There’s more to this case and you _know_ it. But for some reason you’re trying very hard not to give a shit,” Gavin escalated. The tension in his body grew.

Anderson scoffed. “What, you think you’re some hotshot who’s gonna save the world?”

“I’m trying to make a difference,” his voice grew louder.

“What we do doesn’t make a difference!” Hank shouted.

Gavin stared wide-eyed in shock. His throat turned dry. His knees went weak. All life left his body.

Hank couldn’t stomach his disappointed gaze anymore and averted his eyes in shame. He stood there like he was waiting for Gavin to speak. But he didn’t.

The defeated man turned away. The soft heels of his shoes clapped sorrowfully on the spotless floor.

–

Deep in thought, Reed sat gloomily in front of Anderson’s desk. It had been a whole day and a half since they last talked in the hallway. Whatever views he had on Hank, whatever ideas and expectations, anything he thought he knew about him flew right out of the window. Anderson was different. Gavin had to finally admit to himself that he was heartbroken. But he refused to believe that _his_ Hank was gone entirely. It was still the same person after all.

What was more important was that Hank went practically missing. Reed couldn’t reach him. Called him at least a dozen times and it always went into voicemail. He wanted him back. It didn’t matter if it was the old Hank or the present Hank. Once he had him again, Gavin could make things better. Or at least try.

It was clear that the lieutenant was missing a big part of himself. Reed understood that much at least. Hank was doing his job but there was no drive in it. He lost a purpose. Gavin needed to show him there was a way. He had to solve the case. So he got to work.

The poor bastard they had caught committed a murder, that much was sure. Gavin needed more information but the culprit wouldn’t talk. He decided to look up everything he could about everyone involved. As an officer, Gavin didn’t have his own desk with an easy way to access all the files but luckily the terminal on Anderson’s desk, being a purely work related device, was unlocked. He spent the whole day looking through anything he could find. Eventually, his research bore fruit.

The victim’s husband was an entrepreneur, currently trying to run a third company he had founded. The other two had failed and this one wasn’t doing any good either. It was being threatened with bankruptcy. Gavin supposed the husband’s business trip that weekend had something to do with trying to keep the company afloat. But did it really?

The victim herself had very beneficial life insurance that she kept paying for twelve long years. Reed didn’t want to automatically assume that the husband could so cold-bloodedly have his spouse killed. But what raised his suspicion were two reports of domestic disturbance having been settled by dispatched officers. Clearly they hadn’t been getting on very well.

It was time to have a talk with his new suspect.

At first the husband accepted Gavin’s visit without any trouble. Reed strolled around the living room and refused a cup of coffee.

“So what brings you here again, detective?”

Gavin didn’t bother correcting him. He liked the sound of it.

“Your wife had one hell of a life insurance, didn’t she?” he didn’t feel like screwing around.

The man blinked, seemingly confused, “Uh, yes, that’s right. Why?”

“Convenient, wasn’t it?” Gavin inspected a set of books in a glass bookcase.

The husband sitting behind his back frowned, “What do you mean?”

“Your company,” the officer exhaled. “Must be hard running a business these days.”

“I don’t see where you’re going with this.”

Gavin turned away from the shelves to face him. “You know damn well where I’m going with this.”

The husband met his eyes. What Gavin saw in them wasn’t offense but fear.

“Get out.”

The officer raised his eyebrows.

“Get the fuck out of my flat, right now,” the man jumped out of his couch and rushed to the front door, opening it at once.

Gavin waited a second and walked reluctantly across the room with an amused hum. When he reached the hall, he added, “I’ll be seeing yo--”

The door slammed behind his back.

“Fucker.”

–

How many problems in this world would have been immediately solved if only people were honest? Gavin sat in Hank’s chair, head turned to the ceiling, spinning lazily in circles, just like his investigation. Was this what it was like being a detective? He had yet to feel the satisfaction of a case properly closed.

He stroked the armrests, thoughts darting uncooperatively to his missing partner. Captain Fowler was either letting it slide or didn’t notice. Gavin would bet it was the former. Hank was God knew where, most likely getting dangereously drunk, contemplating whether his life had any meaning. Gavin longed to be there with him, telling him that yes, it had. He might have lost it but Gavin would help him find it again.

His body itched. If he could just do something. But that stupid old man wouldn’t let him. He didn’t give a damn about Gavin and least of all his feelings. Even if he knew, he probably wouldn’t. Reed sighed heavily. _Probably?_ What was he thinking? There was no possibility. He just wouldn’t. Gavin was only some fool trying to wiggle their way into his life.

If. Fucking. Only.

Gavin was tapping his feet unknowingly, knees jerking up and down. He screwed his eyes shut.

Fuck.

His face twisted into a grimace.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Nails dug into the soft padding of the chair.

Shit.

He craved the sweet release of his suppressed emotions. The ones that boiled just below the surface.

Slapping the table he diverted these thoughts. There were more important things to do than roll around in his own frustration.

The case.

He needed to solve it.

–

Endless days were eating away at his sanity. Rounds of inquiries flooded his schedule. Family, friends, coworkers, he talked to everybody. And nobody was of any use. He was being fed crap about how the two were such a nice couple, that sometimes, of course, they had a falling out but ultimately they always pulled through. People told him the husband was such an honest and hard working man and that he was just dealt a bad hand with his businesses failing. From what Gavin heard he was a fucking angel.

But Reed knew it was the opposite. He _knew_ it. And minute by minute he was losing self-control. Every time the person in front of him would stuff more of their delusions down his throat he wanted to slap them out of it, screaming in their face to give him something useful for once. He felt like the world was working against him, trapping him in a maze out of which he saw no escape.

Light shone at the end of the tunnel when he found something sketchy in the husband’s phone records. It fizzled out again after the number turned out to be an untraceable burner phone. But at least he had some basis for what was starting to shape into a theory. He made the rounds again, trying to be more specific with his questioning.

“No… no, I don’t think I’ve heard anything strange, he usually just phoned his family or potential clients.”

One person after another. It was maddening. Having no one to lean on, he was loosing himself more and more with each interview.

“I’m sorry, I don’t recall anything like what you’re saying.”

And where the hell was Anderson?

“Let me think… no, I don’t remember anything weird.”

He left him alone.

“Maybe… nah, nothing.”

Why?

“You could try asking his secretary.”

What would it take for him to see through his own bullshit?

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

And see that there are people who care?

“You’ll have to try somebody else.”

Who need him?

“Sorry.”

–

Gavin sat in his parked car, raindrops drumming erratically on the surrounding windows, making it impossible to see outside in the darkness. An orange light of a streetlamp shone softly through the windshield.

“Hi, this is Hank. Not here at the moment. You can leave a message if that’s what turns you on but don’t expect me to call back. Beep...”

This again.

Gavin had already left at least five messages that day. He was getting more and more hopeless as the investigation stalled and he called for Hank’s help like it was the last thing that could save him. Maybe it really was.

“Hey, it’s me… again. Could you please pick it up? Just this once.”

Silence was the only answer. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. Dim light distorted by running water covered his hand and face in shifting maps.

“Look, I need your help. I really do,” he tried not to sound as desperate as he actually was. „I’m running in circles here. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

God, he was pathetic.

“Shit,” he suddenly got fed up with the facade. “I’m falling apart,” he chuckled emptily and fell back into his seat, veiled in shadow. “Should that be happening? How am I supposed to become a detective when I can’t handle just this one case? Calling you for help when I should be able to manage on my own.”

He needed to say it.

“I miss you.”

Here it fucking goes.

“Because… because in you I always found support. You didn’t even have to say anything. It was enough that you were just… there,” the feelings that resurfaced weren’t supposed to be this irritating. “But where the hell are you now? What are you doing? Have you completely given up?”

Something inside him pushed.

“You know what, I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that the man I admire so much is gone. Just answer me, please.”

Nothing. Did this even have a point?

“Are you there, _Hank_?” he whispered.

The silence on the other end was agonizing. The sound of the outside rain tapped on his nerves. He couldn’t stand it. Gavin was positive Anderson was there. Only he was too busy drinking himself into oblivion instead of listening.

“Just forget it. Forget what I said just like you forgot me and this goddamned mess you left me in. You _asshole_ ,” he bitterly hung up. Anderson’s name laughed at him from the phone screen. He hurled it furiously at the back seat.

“ _You fucking asshole!_ ” he growled. “Why did you leave me alone? Why won’t you just fucking come back?” he banged his palms on the steering wheel. “Why won’t you let me help? Just let me try! What is so goddamn _bad_ about me, you prick?” his voice cracked. “What do I need to fucking _prove_?”

He breathed heavily. His hands were shaking with adrenaline. Wide-eyed, Gavin exited the car and crossed the empty street with a frantic pace. Rain whipped at his face, sticking loose strands of hair to his forehead. He rushed through the entrance and ran up two flights of stairs, leaving a wet footprint on every other step. Not even a second later his fist banged on an apartment door. He raised his arm to knock again when a dumbfounded man opened.

“Do you know what time it is, detective?”

There he was. The honest and hardworking man with bad luck in business. The prefect husband. A fucking murderer.

Gavin pushed him with harsh strength, carelessly invading his home and flinging the door closed behind his back.

“What the hell are you doi--” his words were cut off as Reed’s hands grabbed his collar and swayed him off his feet.

“Tell me the truth.”

“Fuck you, you crazy son of a bitch!”

“ _Tell me!_ ” Gavin shook him.

“Fuck off,” a feeble punch landed on Reed’s face but it was enough to split his lower lip open. A droplet of blood ran down his chin. He brought his fingers up to his face to collect the bright red liquid. He looked at it with a distant expression. There was no pain.

The other man used the situation to escape Reed’s grip and backed up to the other side of the living room. The poor man’s face was twisted in fear, eyes gleaming with fright. For the first time in years, Gavin felt in control.

With a few confident steps he was holding the man by his shirt again.

“Tell me. What did you do?”

The husband’s mouth was firmly shut. Gavin swung his arm and dug his fist into the man’s ugly face, cutting the skin of his knuckles on his teeth. His head flew with a chocked cry and bounced back weak and bloody. Reed repeated the punch eagerly.

“Lunatic,” red saliva oozed through his smashed lips.

Gavin’s hand flew again, this time hitting the man’s nose which crunched under his rock hard fist and flowed rivers of blood across the bastard’s denying mouth.

“L-leave me… alone… please,” he tried to take hold of his swollen face.

Reed threw his filthy body down with contempt. The pathetic man curled on the floor, cradling his broken face. A dirty shoe squeezed his head to the floorboards. “Did you leave your wife alone?”

The skull under Gavin’s shoe shifted, gurgling words. “S-she was a… a fucking bitch,” he shifted his body, failing to escape the pressure on his scalp. “I needed money.”

Gavin twisted his foot, felling the sole scrape the skin on the swine’s head. “Go on.”

The mass of misery sobbed. “I know a guy. Fucker was always boasting with his underground connections. H-he hooked me up. I just asked them for a favor.”

Gavin bent closer. “Who?”

“The mob,” he whined, “I don’t fuckin’ know.”

“Who’s your _friend_ who hooked you up?”

No answer. Reed shifted his weight on his urging foot.

Bloodied fingers clawed on the ground. “They’ll kill me!”

A sharp kick to the stomach sent the human garbage rolling on his back. Crazed green eyes stared closely into his. “ _I‘ll_ kill you.”

Tears rolled down his temples, mixing with the blood smeared all over his sorry face. He gave in.

–

Gavin left his victim in the lockup area and lingered in the short hallway. He took a moment to finally breathe. Adrenaline was gone from his system and he felt weak. Leaning on the wall, he examined his bloodied hand. If it didn’t hurt before it sure as hell did now. He should at least clean it up.

On his way to the restrooms he saw a ghost.

Anderson stood at his own desk, a short beard covering his face and grown out hair falling over his cheeks. He was looking around like he was searching for somebody. Finally, his eyes found him.

“Gavin, finally, I--” he stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed his partner’s slashed lip and ruined hand.

“You’re late,” Reed said matter-of-factly.

“What happened?” his hands reached out to Gavin but quickly dropped down again when he realized what he wanted to do.

“I solved the case,” the officer wrestled with his emotions to stay as steady as he could. “Not like you’ve been of any help.”

Hank kept silent.

“I was right,” Gavin continued. “The husband had his wife killed. He basically ordered a hit. The actual murderer was coerced. The mafia is involved so the rest will be up to the organized crime division.”

“That’s… that’s great work,” Hank responded in surprise.

Reed stroked his hurt hand in thought. “Just got the job done.”

Anderson paused as he observed the officer’s moving fingers. “Where did you get _th_ _at_?”

“Self-defense,” Gavin looked openly into his eyes.

During his long career at the DPD Hank had come to meet a lot of different types of police officers. Some of them honest, some of them crooked to their very bones. He knew people. And what he saw right then and there were the eyes of a man who stopped playing by the rules. A man who saw police work for what it truly was, a tedious chore that lead only to dead ends. And he didn’t like it.

It hurt to see the ever lighthearted Gavin that way.

He stepped closer. “Look,I didn’t want to leave you alone. I didn’t want for things to get to… _t_ _h_ _is_ _,_ ” his gaze dropped back to Reed’s hands.

Gavin cackled, disdain seeping through his voice. “You’re an asshole.”

Hank’s lips twitched into a forced smile, “I heard you the first time.”

So he _was_ listening.

The younger man averted his eyes upon remembering his slip-up. Feeling stong hands fall on his shoulders, he looked up into tired blue eyes. The smell of alcohol filled his nostrils but he saw Hank wasn’t anywhere near being drunk.

“Gavin, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now but I know this,” his voice was low and urgent. “There’s no turning back from going down that path.”

“What are you talking about?” Reed responded with no real meaning behind his words.

“You know what I’m talking about,” he struggled to find words. “Being a cop is hard. We both know that. What’s even harder is keeping hold of your own humanity. There’s a reason we have protocols. They exist to protect people from us. But we need them to retain our own selves,” his hands firmly squeezed Gavin’s shoulders. “Don’t lose yourself. Please.”

There was something in his voice that tugged exactly on the right string in Gavin’s heart. It stung, making it beat a little harder. And for a moment Gavin’s eyes must have lit up because he saw Hank’s do the same. It was a brief intoxicating second when the two of them were on the same wavelength, seeing into each other, feeling one another. But his rational mind tore him painfully out of this dream. His brain registered on Hank’s words. Gavin wasn’t lost. He finally found himself. Stopped being carried through life and instead took the reins into his own hands.

He gently put away one of Anderson’s hands and shrugged off the other.

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do,” he whispered, “not anymore.” He looked away to hide his face. Brushing past Hank, he exited the station, leaving his failed savior to his own mistakes.

–

The next day went the best way it possibly could. Reed was back at the station in the morning, dressed up in his uniform and ready for anything, especially for getting called into the captain’s office. And that was exactly what happened.

To Gavin’s sweet satisfaction the long awaited promotion finally came just as Fowler had promised. One case with Anderson survived and his application came through. Having proved that he had what it takes he couldn’t wait to enjoy all the benefits of his new position.

He stepped out of the glass office ready to shout his joy into the ear of the first person that would talk to him. Standing in the middle of the bullpen, people flowed around him like water around a harmless boulder. Once again he was reminded of how lonely he was. His greatest mistake caught up to him again. He always chased after one thing or another, not stopping to talk to somebody on the way. His eyes fell on the empty desk of the only person in the precinct who seemed to have cared.

A whole day of contemplating their relationship led him to a decision. It was all a tangled ball of nonsesnse, that much he knew. From the initial curiosity and a sweet begining to a hurtful realization and the final parting. He couldn’t shake a feeling of guilt. After everything, Hank showed up to help when he needed him the most, coming back from what must have been one of the hardest times of his life. All it took was for Gavin to reveal a little bit of truth. Hank was there as soon as he could just like the hero he once was. But it was too late. Gavin didn’t need him anymore or so he thought.

Only a few faintly glowing embers were left from the vigorous fire he once held inside. A fragile thought told him things could get back to the state they once were. He held on to that idea with whatever hope he still had. He didn’t want to admit that he was afraid to lose it. He hoped that maybe he could catch a glimpse of the old Hank again, just like he had yesterday. Common sense told him it was impossible. His dying feelings fought logic as hard as they could. He needed to know.

In the evening, he was standing at Anderson’s threshold, mind split in half. He suspected the visit would go wrong in every way it could. But there was no stopping it now. He needed closure, be it good or bad. Still, he lingered in the cold, thinking about the years he spent tormented by his feelings. He used to be very fond of the faint connection between the two of them. But as he now understood the consequences of his dependence he wasn’t sure about the good this bond was supposed to give him. There was only one way to find out which way this part of his life would go next.

He finally pressed his finger to the doorbell.

 

#### Part three

#### Redemption

He folded his arms tight over his chest in anticipation.

Nothing.

Doubts suddenly washed up on the shore of his mind. Rationality tugged at him again, telling him to give up. But his heart said otherwise. And for this one moment, it won.

Gavin rung the doorbell again, holding his finger on the button a little longer.

When Hank spoke from somewhere inside the house he almost didn’t hear him. “What do you want?” the voice was low, strained and harshly unwelcoming.

Reed stepped closer, “It’s me. I need to talk to you.”

“You don’t _need_ shit,” the sound was closer.

Gavin sighed. “I _want_ to talk to you.”

A grating cackle. “Oh, really?”

“I realize this might not be the best time but we really should talk.”

Silence.

“Just please, open the damn door. I need to see you.”

“Fuck off.”

“Do I have to beg you again?” Gavin placed his injured hand on the painted wood and pressed his forehead against the door. “ _Please_ ,” he exhaled.

_Click._

His support disappeared. Gavin stumbled, trying not to fall on the tall figure standing in the door. When he composed himself, momentary surprise was replaced by concern. Hank stood close in front of him, steadying himself with a hand on the door’s edge. He was wearing a dirty hoodie and sweatpants, face almost as grey as his messy hair. Gavin’s eyes looked past him inside the house. It was chaos.

The nearest cabinet was covered in old letters, some fallen on the floor. Empty beer cans and various boxes of take-out food decorated a coffe table and far kitchen counter. A sink lay buried somewhere under a mountain of dirty dishes. One lonely chair sat in front of an empty dining table. On it were standing a couple of beers and a half empty whiskey bottle. Next to them, there was something else as well. Gavin narrowed his eyes…

“Is this what you wanted to see?” Hank said, reproachful.

Reed’s gaze darted back to him, mouth closed shut. Anderson turned and staggered back inside. He left the door open and Gavin took it as his cue to come in. Stepping further he glanced around the house again. Looking like this, it was clear no woman touched this place for some time. Hank’s wife must have taken offweeks ago, leaving him alone in his long-lasting grief.

Hank seated himself at the dining table, a place where he apparently spent the whole evening.The uniformed officer lingered in the living room, unsure of how to start. The man at the table avoided looking at his unwanted guest.

“I’m going to be a detective.”

“I figured teaming you up with me wasn’t something Fowler would do on a whim,” Hank took another gulp of whiskey.

Gavin stopped to consider saying what rolled around in his mind.

“No one else would work with you anymore, you know?”

Hank set down the bottle. “Yeah. I’m an _asshole_ , right?”

“No,” Gavin whispered earnestly. His heart beat harder, trying to drown out his resentful mind. “No, you’re not.”

The grey head finally turned to reveal its blue eyes, bleary with alcohol and a destructive state of mind. As his shoulders shifted, his body revealed what lay on the table beside the bottles. A .357 Magnum revolver. Gavin assumed it was loaded.

“But you’re stupid,” he continued, his bewildered anger taking over. “What are you doing? You can’t ruin your life, not like this. Don’t you see that you’re ruining the people around you too?”

“Whatever you think you know about me is all wrong.”

“I know that you used to be a _hero_ ,” Gavin leaned into his words, stepping closer. “Used to be. Look at you now,” he gestured with his hand. “You’re pushing everyone away.”

Hank turned to the bottle again as if to prove Gavin’s point.

“And you’re pretty successful at it. Honestly, I don’t think there’s many people at the station who still give a shit about you. And you meant so much to all of them,” Gavin gave way to words he wanted to say for ages. “You meant so much to _me_.”

The man in front of him slumped a little lower.

“I cared about you more than I had any right to. For a long time I wanted to get to know you, to get close to you,” he sighed. “I’ve spent my whole life looking at other people. I was nobody. The only reason I became a cop was that it seemed like the right thing to do. If I didn’t know what to do with myself, I might as well help other people on the way.” His gaze didn’t leave Hank even as he adressed him, “But you gave me a direction. I’ve never seen anyone so engaged in their work. I thought maybe you could teach me that. I wanted to spend days… hell, months by your side, hoping some of your undying love for life would rub off on me. I wanted that and so much more. You were everything I ever needed. I had so many feelings for you. I couldn’t even stop thinking about you,” an strained chuckle formed in his throat at the memory of his foolishness.

Hank didn’t so much as look back at him. “What is your point’ Reed? Why are you here, bugging me with-- with _this_?” his voice betrayed his pain.

“I wanted to become someone you would cherish. Someone you would look at with fondness. Just somebody you would… I wanted to be yours.” Hank’s head turned slightly. “But you showed me that I don’t belong to anyone else but myself. You let me down so hard,” the last words grated in his throat, rage boiling under the cover of hurt.

Hank’s hand clenched into a fist and unwittingly moved closer to the gun. Gavin saw it and tried as hard as he could to keep a steady mind. His emotions got the better of him.

He was mad. Mad at Hank for being a goddamned idiot, drowning in anguish, too dense to see that Gavin was right there, caring. But he was just being shoved away, again and again. He was shown apathy and disregard to his feelings. Hank was contemplating ending it all, leaving Gavin behind in this mess of a life. But the younger man wouldn’t have that.

“What is _your_ point, huh?” he leaned with his hand on the table. “Taking yourself out?”

Hank growled, “You have no idea what it feels like to--”

“No, I fucking don’t. All I wanted was for you to _tell me_.”

“Leave me alone, Reed.”

“Did you leave _me_ alone with your bullshit? I wasn’t playing games, Anderson. But it seemed like you liked playing with me all too much.”

“For the last time, what the hell do you want from me?”

“You fucked up,” Gavin let the words hang in a hostile silence. “You fucked this last case up and you fucked _me_ up,” he leaned down to see into Anderson’s face.

The grey haired man finally looked up. His gaze was glassy with wild rage. Gavin suddenly winced.

“It wasn’t me,” Anderson snarled through his teeth, “who beat a helpless man bloody because I couldn’t handle my own incompetence.”

“You left me alone,” Gavin screamed. “Because of what? Have you drunk yourself dumb or did you choose to look the other way? You used to be the best detective around. You used to care about people. Now you’re just empty,” he dug his finger into Anderson’s chest. The older man jerked, placing his elbows on the table defensively, hand unconsciously gripping the handle of his gun. Reed paid it no attention. He straightened himself again and took two steps behind Anderson. He felt strangely calmer.

“For some time I thought there was still the great Hank Anderson buried somewhere under all that spite. I was wrong. All that’s left is a bitter old man.”

“Screw you, Reed.”

“And a fucking _coward_ ,” the words left a reassuring feeling.

“You think this is _easy_?” the man’s hold on the gun tightened, knuckles turning white.

“I think you’re running away into your little corner of sadness, ignoring the fact that the Earth is still spinning, that the people around you continue to live their lives and that they are human beings with actual feelings,” he paced around the back of Anderson’s chair.

Gavin’s condescending tone was eating away at Hank’s restraint.

“You know what I’m saying is true,” he continued. “But you shamelessly continue to hurt everyone around you instead of confronting your own hang-ups. You went from the most promising member of the police force to a pitiful sack of shit, happily rolling around in your own misery.”

The older man’s shoulders rose, all tension in his body ready to burst.

“You know what, _Hank_?” Gavin stopped to lean closer to the back of his victim, reveling in the gesture. His breathing steadied. His body realxed. He was in control. “You’re making me _sick_.”

Anderson jumped from his chair, swinging his hand heavy with the weight of the revoler. Reed’s perception blurred. He fell hard on his back, head painfully hitting the ground. He blinked, disoriented, arms reaching aimlessly around the floor. Grunting, he finally propped himself up on one elbow, brain starting to work again. Numbness crippled his face. A hot droplet of blood softly landed on his hand. An irony taste filled his mouth. He inspected the source. The touch of his fingertips on his nose incited a wave of pain. He grimaced at the unpleasant sensation, unintentionally creating more. Another grunt escaped his blood-covered lips. He caught movement at the corner of his eye and was snapped back to reality completely.

Anderson stumbled and waved his left arm around pathetically, looking for the table for support. He found it and leaned back, resting his hands on the wood and breathing heavily. The fingers of his trembling right hand were still curled around the grip of the gun. An unnoticeable red smudge stained the shiny metal at the bottom.

Gavin got back to his feet, slowly and clumsily, eyes locked onto Anderson’s restless body. He spat blood on the floor ostentatiously, trying to get the other’s attention. He succeeded. Anderson looked up slowly, shaking in desperation. Their eyes met. Gavin’s thoughts of getting back at him dissolved instantly. The look in Anderson’s eyes was enough.

He was broken.

Gavin stared deep into the blue of his irises. What he found there was only darkness. Gavin wanted to get away from the pitiful feeling forming at the back of his mind. He was ready do dismiss it with a few words of contempt. A single tear rolling down Anderson’s cheek stopped him. Hank’s lips moved but no words came out. His head dropped back down. He started sobbing.

Gavin stood motionless, watching him. The blood pouring from his nose reached his chin. He didn’t notice. All he sensed were Hank’s quiet whimpers. They crawled on his skin, sinking deeper and deeper until they wrapped around his insides like ropes. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Averting his gaze, he started towards the main door. He walked past the dirty dishes, past the messy coffee table, past the scattered envelopes. He turned the door handle and stepped outside, not looking back. His shoes clacked on the sidewalk in the quiet night. He walked with no real destination, just to get away from that wretched man who was ruining his life. He needed to let go. Let go of what was bringing him further and further down every minute. Let go of the feelings that bound him to that rock. Let go of the only person who used to make him happy.

Tears clouded his vision. He stopped in the dark between lamplights. No. He couldn’t afford to feel that way anymore. He wiped his eyes but the tears kept coming, rolling down his cheeks and mixing with blood. His fingers kept rubbing his face in vain.

“Please,” he whispered, voice trembling. “I don’t want this anymore. Please,” the last word stretched into a moan. He fell to his knees. “Let me go. Let me fucking go,” he cried, teardrops falling off his cheeks, turning into dark spots on the concrete. Bringing his hands to his face he felt the wound on his nose again. The tears stopped. He sat on his heels, eyes wide in realization.

_He hates me._

A relieved smile appeared on his lips.

_He does, doesn’t he?_

He pressed his fingers stronger to the cut. More blood poured out.

_He wouldn’t do this if he didn’t._

Red covered his fingers. He eyed the color curiously.

_He doesn’t want me. Why should I bother?_

Clumsily, he got back to his feet. He turned to look back at Anderson’s house and the light shining out of its kitchen window.

_Why do I bother?_

He rolled his tongue around in thought, tasting his blood. He asked himself one last question.

_Am I better off without him?_

Memories flooded his mind. They appeared at random, small fragments of the past. Together they played on Gavin’s emotions like a piano, each gently striking one key. A song of feelings quieted his inner voice. He listened, letting his heart beat to the rythm. It sang a battle of adoration against hurt, two opposite melodies intertwining until one completely drowned out the other.

Turning away, Gavin lifted his head to the sky. The city’s bright lights offered him nothing but a black sea. His shoes resumed the clacking echo. The officer let his legs carry him away to wander the dark streets of Detroit. Only one word lingered on his mind.

_Yes._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I've never written anything this long in my life, it was quite a challenge. I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  
> I usually hang around the internet drawing fanart. You can say hi to me on Twitter @DarkDumb.  
> Have a nice day!


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